Can you guys post the funniest copy pasta's you've seen?

**RainingBlood** · 05-14-2011, 07:46 PM

I find them hilarious. Mine is:
forgive english, i am Russia.

i come to study Mechanical Engineering at American university. i am here little time and i am very hard stress. i am gay also and this very difficult for me, i am very religion person. i never act to be gay with other men before. but after i am in america 6 weeks i am my friend together he is gay also. He was show me American video game and then we are kiss.

We sex together. I never before now am tell my mother about gay because i am very shame. As i **** this American boy it is very good to me but also i am feel so guilty. I feel extreme guilty as I begin orgasm. I feel so guilty that I pick up my telephone and call Mother in Russia. I awaken her. It too late for stopping so I am cumming sex. I am very upset and guilty and crying, so I yell her, "I AM CUM FROM SEX" (in Russia). She say what? I say "I AM CUM FROM SEX" and she say you boy, do not marry American girl, and I say "NO I AM CUM FROM SEX WITH MAN, I AM IN ASS, I CUM IN ASS" and my mother very angry me. She not get scared though.

I hang up phone and am very embarrass. My friend also he is very embarrass. I am guilt and feel very stupid. I wonder, why do I gay with man? But I continue because when it spurt it feel very good in American ass.

**PRCouture** · 05-14-2011, 07:51 PM

On the underside of your refrigerator there is a switch. Reach under there and feel for it. Don't mind the dust clumps and the roaches. You'll know it when you feel it, it's a hard metal tab sticking out of a slot in the plastic underside. I will be set on the righthand side (when you're facing the fridge). If you switch it to the left, nothing will happen. Your appliances will continue to run, the floor won't open into a swirling vortex that leads directly into the deepest circle of hell. You won't even hear a hitch in the hum of the refrigerator. You will get up and brush off and go about your business, you may move out of your apartment and leave the refrigerator behind, switch set to the left like it doesn't even matter.

When you die, five years later, the fingers, toes, and eyes of an unidentified person will be found in your stomach.

**Duodecillian** · 05-14-2011, 07:58 PM

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

**Rabbadxs** · 05-14-2011, 10:07 PM

On a cold Friday afternoon, I had come home from school. I had been thinking of the gym all day. I was hungry, didn't have any lunch. In fact, I didn't eat because I spent the money. For the past month I was saving up for something. Something special which I bought at GNC. I was surprised they didn't ask for ID; I was pretty sure the cashier noticed how nervous I was. Anyways, my mom asked my how my day was when I got home, but I ignored her. I have more important things to do. I run to the bathroom and unpack my bag. In my school bag is a white plastic bag from GNC. I open the bag, first removing the receipt and flushing it down the toilet to get rid of the evidence. My heart was racing now. I unpack the creatine monster from the bag.

I wonder what people will be asking me when they see that I will be 50lbs heavier. Should I say I was just eating a lot? I remove the label from the tub and tear it into a thousand small pieces. I flush that down the toilet, too. It is time now. I run up to my room when my mom ask me what I am holding. I panic, sweat drips down my forehead and my teeth chatter. "Mom, it's just for a school project". "What project?" "I don't know mom I just started it!". A tear runs down my cheek. I run upstairs and open the creatine, scooping upservings into a clear water bottle. What have I gotten myself into? I fill it with water and drink it. There is no turning back now. The creatine monster is inside me now, it will control me. What should I do if I die? I cant let my family know about this.

I open the creatine tub and throw it all out the window; a white cloud of mysterious dust sparkles into the wind so graciously. I feel the substance taking control of me; I am now the monster. I walk downstairs, its time to work out; time to get big. Now I worry, I don't want to get too big; people will think I use steroids. I do use steroids. No I don't. Creatine. All I see is the weights now, I am almost downstairs when I hear "Do you want a cookie I just baked". I know I do not have time for this **** now. "No mom I do not want a cookie" I walk in the basement and drop to my knees before the weights, tears running down my cheeks. I turn to the right and look at myself in the mirror. Oh god, what have I done?

**Rabbadxs** · 05-14-2011, 10:09 PM

Oh, how very big of you. You're an alpha male, are you? Well, let me clue you in on something: Alpha Males haven't been in charge for a good couple of decades. Obviously, this tirade is directed on a High School level. Once you get out of high school, and begin working at your dead-end office job, you know who your boss is going to be? That's right, that pasty nerd you made fun of. It's funny, you see. The majority of the women you are talking about, despite the blatant lies you've slipped in, and the generalizations which remain moderately untrue, are frankly, idiotic sluts. The fact that you're trying to taunt us with them is inane, because while they sound appealing in text, in reality, we wouldn't want anything to do with the ****ing skanks. And furthermore, thank you for "****ing every girl in the school (I bet you can bench 2000 pounds too, amirite?)." Honestly, thank you. Why, you may ask? Because, by taking away the easy route, you have brought pain upon us. You have brought us misery, you have forced us to adapt to that misery, and to grow as people. Luxury doesn't incite growth, pain does. So while you're busy sticking it in your AIDS-ridden skanks, we're studying, learning, gaining skills that are necessary for life. You may scoff at this, call us stupid nerds for not getting the pussy while it's hot, but guess what? We're going to get it eventually. You said so yourself, women love power. So, eventually, you're going to find a women you love as much as she primally needs you. You're going to get married, maybe settle down a bit. Wild sex for the first two years, but after a while, she'll get ansy. She'll grow tired of the novelty of the Alpha Male. Your relationship will become the dull forced marriage that is seen constantly in America. You'll likely divorce her and move on, getting a younger wife that'll need you as much as your old wife did when you first married. Seems swell, doesn't it? I can assure you, it isn't. By now, we have risen to power. While you live the life of the swingers, we are the Senators, the Chairmen, we are the rulers of life as you know it. We have transcended your pitiful existence, and control every aspect of your very fate, without you even so much as noticing. By now, we have the money and the power, and as Scarface once said (We know you love him, and have his poster on your bedroom wall,'cause you're cool like that) next we get the women. And guess who it is that loves power, as you said women do? That's right, it's your little skank of a wife! Now, most of us will likely have settled down with a wife, but I'm sure there are plenty that would be glad to take your wife when she dumps your sorry ass to go to the people she knows have the real power. And, as we get older, our fortunes and power will grow. We'll eventually get a few trophy wives, settle down a bit, and live in the lap of luxury. Meanwhile, you, the "Alpha Male" will be left alone. By the time you hit thirty, your primal attraction, your ONLY asset, will begin to fade. Your third wife in ten years will grow tired of your old, pitiful body, and will leave you. Stuck in a dead-end job as one of our pawns, you will grow old and even less appealing. Eventually you will die an old and unloved man, either by taking your own life, drowning yourself in booze, or perhaps merely out of your own misery. So go ahead. Brag about how many women you are ****ing. Call us losers. We may seem to be upset, and you may mock our pain, but I assure you, we know your fate. And we are smiling inside.

**Rabbadxs** · 05-14-2011, 10:11 PM

Attention, fact: Life was funny when we were all 12 living in the suburbs listening to linkin park watching dragonball z drinking pepsi while playing halo co-op on the easiest setting during which we consumed doritos and looked at paintball guns on ebay in internet explorer connected through aol on a 56k modem before hopping into our balding fathers' latest midlife-crisis-impulse-sponsored japanese-built suv to head to the mall and get more skateboarding shoes and third-rate irregular levis and mountain bike parts before heading home, voting democrat and masturbating to the latest sears catalog while huffing paint in your garage before talking to ****philes on aim pretending to be whatever camwhore they're ranting about on myspace with a matrix quote/anime character name/triple six-asterisk-parentheses-surrounded screenname before heading to your supposed "good school" in the morning to buy more pot to smoke during your counter-strike lan party with jimmy and the rest of his friends taking ritalin and ******** and prozac eight times a day before taking a casual pass at local, state or national governmential figures, legislature, or structure to appear edgy and intelligent in front of your budweiser-sneaking, limp-wristed, near-to-columbine sociopathic "deep" friends who play the victim when they start losing arguements six days before their botched suicide attempt simply because school tramp number twelve wouldn't go under the bleachers with them to let them get to second base before their thirteenth birthday.

**Rabbadxs** · 05-14-2011, 10:12 PM

Calvin lay there in bed, next to his tiger. His fourteenth birthday was tomorrow. He was getting older, puberty striking at his mind, voice, and body. He kissed Hobbes on the cheek, puling him closer and thanking him for being his friend. Then it happened. It had been happening often since he was thirteen and he had no control over it. His erection tented his boxers, pressing against his friend's rump.

"Stop.." Hobbes mumbled with a growl, pushing him away. Calvin turned onto his back, pulling his under shorts down and revealing his standing pillar, about five inches. Average, he figured. He shook Hobbes awake. He didn't wake easily and grumbled and growled, but eventually sat up. "What, Calvin?" He asked angrily, wanting very much to go back to sleep. "I love you." "I love you too.." Hobbes said awkwardly. 'What is this about?' He wondered. "Do you really love me?" "Yeah, why?" Hobbes sat up further, sleep forgotten. "I want to mate with you.." Calvin blushed.

"Wait! What? You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air. I whistled for a cab and when it came near the liscence plate said "fresh" and had dice in the mirror. If anything, I could say that this cab was rare, but I though "nah, forget it, yo home to Bel Air"! I pulled up to the house at about seven or eight, yelled to the cabbie, yo homes, smell you later. Looked at my kingdom, and I was finally there, to sit on my throne, as the Prince of Bel Air.

**Rabbadxs** · 05-14-2011, 10:14 PM

This time I knew I was in trouble. The look on my big sister's face made it clear that I was dead meat. I wasn't going to give up without a fight though. We crashed onto the bed and wrestled like mad, grunting and growling like a couple of crazy animals. It lasted a few minutes before she distracted me with a charley horse and pinned me to the mattress. We were both panting for breath and I was suddenly very aware of her boobs pressing against my back as she held me down. It was a good thing I was on my stomach. The grappling match had left me with a painfully stiff hard-on, embarassing but not terribly unusual. A gentle breeze could often make me hard those days. Acting tired, I relaxed and pretended to give up. I planned on trying to throw her off when she moved up to administer the standard thwacking, but she stayed laying on top of me and didn't move. Afraid that she was thinking up some new and even worse punishment, I quickly flipped myself over on the bed and almost succeeded at knocking her to the floor. She squealed and shoved me back down, hopping up to sit on my chest with her thighs locked around my head. Her leg had brushed against my crotch as she moved up, and to my surprise she suddenly reached back and grabbed my dick through my pants. "I thought I felt a little pin-prick,' she said, grinning evilly down at me.
"Shut up," was my witty comeback.
"Make me."
I struggled to push her off but her knees had a deathgrip on my head, squeezing down around it like a nutcracker. Still grinning, she reached down and started unbuttoning her fly. "I think you need to see what a real one looks like," she said, her voice quieter but no less malevolent.
I winced, afraid to look as she pulled out her cock.
This was *soooo* not right. I could already imagine the many years of therapy that were lying in wait for me. Still, I couldn't help but look. She had some trouble getting it out, and when she finally succeeded it was obvious why. She was just as hard as I was. Seeing a rigid penis sticking out from the fly of a teenage girl sitting on your chest is an experience that's not easy to describe, especially when that girl is your sister and you realize that her dick is bigger than your own. I found myself staring up at it in in a state of mild shock. It wasn't bad as far as penises go I guess; it was maybe five inches long and looked really smooth and clean. It was also, though I hate to admit it, almost *cute.*
She pinned my hands to the bed and looked down at me with a wicked gleam in her eyes. Her cheeks were turning a hot red color like she was blushing. I expected her to slap me with it or something, but she just sat there with her dick pointing slightly down at my face (Your dick should be rock solid by now keep going -Rabbadxs). My heart was hammering in my chest, and I suddenly realized that I was getting really turned on. There were so many things wrong here that it was hard to keep track. And it was about to get even worse. Cassie's grin had faded, replaced with an expression of�€�I wasn't sure what. Her face was suddenly serious and her boobs were rising and falling with her breathing. Her cock hung stiffly only a few inches away, aiming almost direcly for my mouth.
"Suck it," she said quietly, almost in a whisper.
I stared at her dick for a moment, not sure exactly what I wanted to do. I'd never even thought about trying something like this before, but... Without even fully realizing I was doing it, I lifted my head up and gave her cock a little lick. It smelled like the body wash she used and didn't really taste like anything. Not bad so far. I took the head between my lips and gave it a few experimental sucks. It felt warm and very stiff. Cassie gasped and leaned down over me, pushing herself further into my mouth. I started sucking harder and took as much as I could, feeling it twitch every time the head nudged against my throat. I wasn't sure if I was doing it right, but the way she was gasping and panting led me to believe that she liked it. She was gripping my hands so tight it almost hurt. Suddenly her whole body tensed up, and before I knew what was happening there was a sudden gush of warm, salty liquid in my mouth. She let out a low groan as her cock jumped again, pumping out more of her stuff. It tasted kinda gross. I guess I could have pulled my head away, but I think I was too stunned to move. For some reason I hadn't expected her to cum the same way a boy did. After a few more squirts, Cassie's body relaxed and she slowly rolled off me. She sat at the edge of the bed and looked at me for a second, then suddenly stood up and ran out of the room. Not sure what else to do, I went to the bathroom to spit the stuff out. I rinsed my mouth, feeling ashamed as I realized I was still hard as a rock. It was all very confusing. Did this mean I was gay? I walked to Cassie's room and stopped outside the door. I could hear the sound of quiet sobbing from inside. I didn't know what I should do. I wasn't even sure why she was crying. The situation was just too ****ing weird. I went back to my room to fire up my Xbox and tried to forget about it for a while. Cassie avoided me for almost a week. I didn't know if she was disgusted with me or just ashamed of what had happened. I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but I knew that I didn't want things to stay weird between us forever. That weekend I waited until mom had gone to bed and then went down the hall to Cassie's room. I could see a faint light coming from underneath the door so I knew she was probably awake. I knocked softly.
"Cassie?"
There was a moment of silence. "Yeah?"
"Can I come in?"
Another pause, but shorter this time. "Okay."
I went in and closed the door behind me. Cassie was sitting on the edge of the bed wearing only a bra and a pair of boxers. It looked like she'd been reading a book. My eyes immediately locked on her boobs. They were pretty big and were pushing out of the top of her bra like she was starting to outgrow it. I forced myself to look up at her eyes, but she wasn't looking at me. Neither of us said anything for a few moments. "Uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for, um�€�" I trailed off, not sure how I should finish. There wasn't exactly a Hallmark message for this kind of thing. Cassie finally looked up at me, looking shocked. "*You're* sorry? Jesus." She got up and gave me an awkward hug. It was my turn to feel a bit surprised. She hadn't hugged me in years. I'd been more expecting her to scream and maybe throw something. I could feel her boobs pushing firmly against my chest, and it was starting to have an effect on me. My shorts suddenly felt much tighter.
"It wasn't your fault. I made you do it." She said, her head restling lightly on my shoulder. "Do you hate me?"
"No." I didn't. In fact, hugging her like this was making me feel warm and lightheaded.
"Good." She pulled away with a smile, but her smile quickly faded as she looked down and noticed my hard-on though my shorts.
"God, you are such a perv." She punched me on the chest and walked back to her bed.
"Yeah, well, so are you." I said, then as she turned back to glare at me I quickly lunged in and yanked her boxers down around her knees. Cassie shrieked and tried to hide herself as she reached to pull them up. I was still able to get a pretty good look. She didn't have much hair on her crotch. Her penis was semi-hard and I could see that she had a small set of balls hanging down below it. It was pretty weird seeing a package on the body of a sixteen year old girl, but I was starting to get used to weird things
"You are *so* dead!" She growled.
I decided to make a pre-emptive strike while she was still dealing with her underwear. I tackled her backwards onto the bed, managing to gain the upper hand as she kicked and growled at me. After a quick but frenzied struggle I was able to flip her onto her stomach and pin her hands. Resting my weight on top of her, I started wondering what I could do to embarrass her and pay her back a little. The fact that I'd managed to pin her on her own bed while she was half-naked was probably pretty humiliating by itself. I wasn't in much of a hurry to decide. Rare victories like this needed to be savored. Also, her butt was rubbing against me as she tried to push me off, and it felt kinda good.

**Rabbadxs** · 05-14-2011, 10:16 PM

"Let go!" She twisted underneath me and I felt my dick slip between the cheeks of her ass. It lay trapped between us, pointed up at the small of her back. Sometimes I called her ‘Assie' because her rear end was kinda big, but mostly just because the name pissed her off. Right now though it was nothing to joke about. Her boxers were only covering her ass halfway and the warmth and softness of her butt was feeling really good even through my shorts. I had an idea that I shouldn't be doing this…it seemed almost like rape. It was the only position I could keep her down in though, and I knew that the second I let up she would kill me. Just then I noticed that she'd mostly stopped struggling. She was still twisting around a little but it didn't seem like she was trying very hard to knock me off. Mostly it was just making my dick rub against her ass even more. After a few moments it dawned on me that she might be doing it on purpose. I'm normally a bit quicker on the uptake, but the idea that Cassie could somehow *want* me to dry hump her butt just seemed crazy. Crazy or not, it was starting to feel pretty damn nice. I decided to risk seeing if I could make it even better. She didn't move as I let one of her hands go and worked my shorts open. I pulled her boxers down a little more, then moved back into place with my dick laying on her naked butt. I noticed quickly that the feel of skin on skin was much, much better. I moved my hips a little so that my cock rubbed slowly back and forth on the crack of her ass. I didn't know if this was what actual sex was like, but it felt awesome. I got so lost in the sensations of pushing against her butt that I didn't realize I was about to cum until it was already happening. I couldn't move, or even think as my stuff started launching out all over her back. I'd played with myself plenty of times, but this was the most intense cum I'd ever had. I moved off of her when it finally stopped, suddenly feeling ashamed of myself. Cassie's back and shoulders were streaked and messy with my sperm. Not seeing anything else to clean up with, I used my shorts to mop it up. She was still laying there quietly like she had been the whole time. The only way I knew she was even alive was from her steady breathing. I sat back on the bed, unable to keep from staring at her butt. There was just something about the curves of her hips and ass that was really hot. If I hadn't already known she was ‘different,' there would have been no way to tell from this angle. Acting on a sudden urge, I reached over and gently squeezed her ass with both hands. I kinda expected her to yell at me, but all I heard was something that sounded like a quiet moan. Wondering how far she would let me explore, I slowly pushed her cheeks apart until I could see her little pink butthole. It looked clean and was glistening slightly with sweat. Feeling strangely drawn to it, I moved my hand down and rubbed it lightly with my thumb. She gasped and I felt her jump a little, but she didn't say anything or push me away. I rubbed it again, then took my hand away and stood up. Maybe she liked me touching her butt, but I had no idea what I was supposed to do down there. Cassie rolled over on her back and looked at me. Her dick was very stiff and lying back against her stomach, the tip all shiny and wet-looking. I could see the shapes of her nipples poking against her bra. She just laid there watching me as I sat down next to her and put my hand around her cock. I started moving my hand slowly up and down, noticing how soft the skin felt despite how stiff it was. Even her dick seemed girly. I was thinking about sucking it a little when she suddenly moaned and raised her hips. I instinctively pumped a little harder as I saw a thick white jet of cum shoot out over my hand and land on her stomach. She kept flexing her hips as a few more spurts came out, then she fell limp with a long sigh. The sight of her cumming had made my own cock fully hard again. She saw it sticking up as I stood to wipe off my hand and her stomach. She groaned and rolled her eyes.
"Go to bed, Knob," she said, tugging her boxers back up. "Just remember that I owe you a beating." She grinned evilly and I made a hasty exit before she decided to make good on it.
Things were quiet for a few days. It was obvious to me that I was getting more and more attracted to my own sister, and it was just as obvious that it didn't bother me much. I knew it was wrong but it didn't feel like what we did was hurting anybody. Anyway, thinking about it too much just gave me a headache, so I stopped worrying. I did know that the idea of playing with another guy's dick still grossed me out. With Cassie it was different. One afternoon we were doing chores. I'd felt hyperactive all day, and when I saw Cassie leaning over in the kitchen to get something from under the sink I couldn't resist the urge to snap her with a damp rag. Her ass was just too tempting a target. The cloth impacted against her butt with a startlingly loud crack, and she yelped and spun around with murder in her eyes. I ran, laughing like a maniac the whole time. She cornered me in the living room before I could make the stairs. I tried to fake her out and jump past, but she caught me and tackled me down onto the couch. I did my best to escape, but her wet hands gave her an unfair advantage when grabbing my clothes. They also hurt when she pinned me face down with her knees in my back and started spanking me hard on the butt.
"If you're gonna act like a brat, you're gonna get treated like one," she said, her voice sounding stern though I was sure that she had a huge grin on her face. It wasn't really a typical spanking either. She rested her hand on my butt for a little while in between smacks, sometimes even squeezing it a bit. It was embarrasing and the spanking part hurt, but the more gentle stuff felt kinda good. After a few minutes she suddenly reached underneath me and put her hand on my crotch like she was checking to see if I was hard. And if course, I was.
"Perv." She gave me another hard whack on the ass, then let me up and went back to the kitchen. I followed slowly, my rear end smarting and my dick hard as a rock. I watched Cassie's butt as she walked, suddenly feeling more horny than I ever had in my life.

**Duodecillian** · 05-14-2011, 10:18 PM

Every post from rabbad, EVER is tl;dr

**JoeBrant** · 05-14-2011, 10:19 PM

I went to Taco Bell and tried to spend a $2 bill, and the cashier had no idea what it was and called the cops.

**Duodecillian** · 05-14-2011, 10:44 PM

Oh dear god, I just read Rabbad's posts.

The thoughts are burned in my head....

why...

Why......

**Rabbadxs** · 05-14-2011, 10:56 PM

whoever wrote the last two is phuckd up beyond mental comprehension.

**shaneee** · 05-14-2011, 10:58 PM

"When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my sh!t to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her a$$ (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my a$$.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late. I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL sh!t, all over her parents comforter.
No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest sh!t and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me. And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in sh!t and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my a$$ a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my a$$ had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my sh!t with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest sh!t of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a sh!t and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SH!T!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I **** on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always remember this 'happening' as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me"

**Rabbadxs** · 05-14-2011, 11:04 PM

Measly reps for "I pity the fool" I use that in daily speech, daily, did I mention that I use that phrase all day every day. Yeah 365 days a year buddy.

**WinningBrah** · 05-14-2011, 11:07 PM

**skazclaw** · 05-14-2011, 11:11 PM

Originally Posted by WinningBrah

...

**Duodecillian** · 05-14-2011, 11:28 PM

Originally Posted by WinningBrah

And this is why I didn't buy a kinect

**supern0va** · 05-14-2011, 11:43 PM

Someone post the one of the guy who ****s his pants and then runs home to cool it off with the fan...

**PRCouture** · 05-14-2011, 11:56 PM

those 3 posts

i cried lol

**superstrongboy** · 05-15-2011, 12:16 AM

i saw a dog fart in a cat's mouth which made the cat puke in the dog's ass and the dog **** out the puke

**Rabbadxs** · 05-15-2011, 09:36 PM

keeping this ****ing thread alive because i took to much effort in finding those hilarious sexual copy pasta's

**DanielBeauchamp** · 05-15-2011, 09:44 PM

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. I wager you couldn't empty a boot of excrement were the instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus.

And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have to us who think and reason? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh.

You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed , drooling meatslapper. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.

This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half-baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective.

True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

You're an idiot. A moron of the highest order. You're so stupid it's a wonder and a pity you can remember to breath. Intelligent ideas bounce off your head as if it were coated with teflon. Creative thoughts take alternate transportation in order to avoid even being in the same state as you. If you had an original thought it would die of loneliness before the hour was out. On an intelligence scale of 1 to 10 (10 corresponding to the highest attainable IQ) you're rating is so far into negative numbers that one would need to travel into another quantum reality in order to even catch a distant glimpse of it.

Your personality is that of a rabid Chihuahua intent on destroying its own tail. Your powers of observation are akin to those of the bird that keeps slamming into the picture window trying to get that other bird it keeps seeing. You are walking, talking proof that you don't have to be sentient to survive, and that Barnum was thinking of you when he uttered his immortal phrase regarding the birth of a sucker. You are, at varying times, tedious, boring, and even occasionally earth shatteringly hilarious in your idiocy, routinely childish, moronic, pathetic, wretched, disgusting and pitiful.

You are wholly without any redeeming social grace or value. If God ever decides to give the planet an enema you'd better run like the wind because anywhere you stand is a suitable place for The Insertion. There is no animal so disgusting, so vile that it deserves comparison to you, for even the lowest, dirtiest, most parasitic member of the animal kingdom fills an ecological niche. You fill no niche. To call you a parasite would be injurious and defamatory to the thousands of honest parasitic species. You are worse than vermin, for vermin do not pretend to be what it is not. You are truly human garbage. You are a fraudulent, lying, predatory charlatan. You are of less worth than a burnt-out light bulb. You will forever live in shame.

You have nothing to say, and Godwin's Law does not apply when writing about you. You are the anti-Midas, for all that you touch becomes valueless and unusable. Mothers gather their children close when you appear. You are an aberration, a corruption, and a boil that needs to be lanced. You are a poison in need of being vomited. You are a tooth so rotten it infects the whole body. You are sperm that should have been captured in a condom and flushed down a toilet.

I don't like you. I don't like anybody who has as little respect for others as you do. Go away, you swine. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. You are a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. Meaningful to no one, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts that sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I wretch at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, and the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell? Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. You are a waste of flesh. On a good day you're a halfwit. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, study, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libellous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystrophic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, abrasive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, and socially-retarded.

Shut up and go away lest you achieve the physical retribution your behaviour merits.

Thank you for your kind attention to and expected cooperation in this matter.

**Kyle1123** · 05-15-2011, 10:03 PM

Hahaha lololol
"I was about 50 yards or so up this path when I noticed a man standing off the side of the path apparently staring into the woods. As I got closer I realized his pants were down around his ankles and I could see his ass. Now, I'm straight but I have to say that it was a really nicely shaped ass for a man and I took notice. I figured maybe he was drunk and just peeing in the bushes, so I started to walk quieter so I wouldn't disturb him. But as I got closer I started hearing strange grunts and sucking sounds. I realized there was another man blowing him.

Now, I'm not gay but I slowed my pace down to watch. I slowed and approached the standing man from behind. His friend didn't take any notice as his eyes were tightly closed. I came right up behind the man standing so that I could have reached out and touched him. That's when I brought the cinder block down on his head, hard. He collapsed on top of his ***got friend and I quickly finished them both off. I rolled them into the bushes and finished my walk. That was only my first of many such gay encounters."

**Coltt45** · 05-15-2011, 10:51 PM

in.

**RainingBlood** · 05-28-2011, 04:07 PM

shameless bump?

**Phil185** · 05-28-2011, 04:27 PM

When I was 12 I had my first sexual experience. At the time, I lived in a little suburb outside of Cleveland and anyway, the girl next door and I were really good friends. Our parents were both gone for the day and she was over playing Transformers with me. So anyway, we kinda got.. Bored I guess? And we started playing truth or dare, which turned into 'you show me yours, I'll show you mine". So anyway there I Was, 12 years old, heart pounding, blood rushing in my ears, and the chick (who was a year older than me actually) takes off her panties and hikes her little skirt up. So What did I do, you ask? I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said "fresh" and there were dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought "naw forget it, yo home to bel-air!" I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie "yo homes smell ya later!" Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there. To settle my throne as the prince of bel-air.

**jake1224** · 05-28-2011, 04:40 PM

Are you aware I have a ritual called 'terminator'. I crouch in the shower in the "naked terminator" pose. With eyes closed I crouch for a minute and visualize either Arnie or the guy from the 2nd movie. I then start to hum the T2 theme. Slowly I rise to a standing position and open my eyes. It helps me get through my day. The only problem is if the shower curtain sticks to my terminator leg. It sorta ruins the fantasy

**Mitch1313** · 05-28-2011, 06:09 PM

Originally Posted by Duodecillian

Every post from rabbad, EVER is tl;dr

This

**PersianKing** · 05-28-2011, 06:17 PM

"Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one."

Thread: Can you guys post the funniest copy pasta's you've seen?

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